Letter to My First Born While Expecting My Second

Almost eleven years ago your father and I decided we wanted to start a family.  We knew it wouldn’t be easy as I have PCOS.  That didn’t deter us.  We knew it would happen when the time was right.  After years of trying, it didn’t happen.  We finally decided we needed help. We tried multiple doctors, alternative medicine, and drugs.  Finally, after 8 years of trying, when we had nearly given up, I saw those 2 magical blue lines, announcing your existence.  My pregnancy was not easy but I cherished every moment, knowing it could realistically be the only time I’d ever get to experience pregnancy.

Then you were born.  And you were perfect!  Smart, beautiful, precocious, and stubborn!  We doted on you.  You were the miracle we’d worked so hard for.  We were so proud of this amazing being we’d created.  You clearly preferred your daddy which broke my heart a bit but didn’t lessen the love I felt.

Now as you near your second birthday, we’re unexpectedly expecting a sibling for you.  We were “trying” to get pregnant again but didn’t really believe it would happen again, especially so soon.  You are so excited for the baby growing inside me.  You lift my shirt and kiss baby hello.  You’ve also become increasingly cuddly with me.  You’ve never wanted to cuddle with me unless Daddy wasn’t available.

As we cuddled the other night while Daddy was taking a bath, I was overcome with love and guilt!  I love you so much and I am thoroughly enjoying the snuggles that are now so freely given.  But I feel guilty because just as we’re starting to solidify such a wonderful bond, I’m bringing another baby into the family who is going to steal a good chunk of my time away from you.

In a few short months, you are going from my whole world, to sharing the spotlight with a new love.  I can’t help but wonder if I’ve spent enough time with you.  Were we selfish in having another child so soon?  Will you feel cheated later on?

I can’t answer those questions, but I can make you some promises!  I promise that you will still get alone time with Mommy, Daddy, and even both of us at the same time.  You will always be the miracle who made us a family.  I will always hurt when you are hurting.  I will always smile when you are happy.  And I will never love you less than I did the day you were born.

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